Therapy
by Xinthos
Summary: Team Seven, sick of each other’s behavior, decide to see a councilor at the suggestion of Kakashi. [T for Mild Language]
1. Therapy: Sasuke

**A/N:** My rather lame attempt at humor. I took idea for the thing below the title (the fake Latin) from the Road Runner cartoon, by the way.

**Summary:** Team Seven, sick of each other's behavior; decide to get a councilor at the suggestion of Kakashi.

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**Therapy: Sasuke**

(AKA: _Emotron Homosexuales_)

I know what you're thinking. "What in the world is the great Sasuke Uchiha doing in _therapy_?" Well, you see, it's all because of my stupid teammates that this is happening, really. My crazy perverted sensei, Kakashi, decided that we all have relationship problems so he signed us up for counseling.

What exactly is wrong with my teammates, you ask? We'll start with Naruto.

He's annoying, and doesn't deserve to be around my oh-so-awesome presence, not to mention he's weak. Okay, maybe not the last one, but still! I mean, who does he think he is, walking around with that stupid blonde hair and blue eyes, thinking he's soooo much cooler than me. Well you know what, Naruto? I have _fangirls_, so in your _face_!

Me? Unreasonable? What are you talking about, doc? What do you mean I'm disguising my true feelings of friendship behind crude remarks and insults? I'm not gay! Oh, you meant _platonic_ love. I knew that. But still, I do _not_ love Naruto!

It's impossible!

Not gonna happen.

Never in a million years.

Okay, maybe a _little_.

He's my teammate, being around him has that affect on you. He just kind of grows on you. Like fungus, or a deadly virus of some sort… No I am _not_ depressed! I'm _angry_! What do you mean _why_ am I angry? My brother murdered my clan, is that not reason enough to be angry for ten years?

What do you mean it's not?

My relationship with my brother? I want him to die a million painful, slow, gruesome deaths by my hands. So… you're saying that's not normal? Anger management? Nah, I killed my last therapist.

Hey, where are you going, doc? Hello? HELLO?

Oh, the bathroom, okay. I can wait five minutes.

…

Took you long enough! Patience is for sissies, now shut up and listen to me complain! My other teammate? Oh, you mean Sakura. Well, don't even get me _started_ about her. That's true; I _am_ here to talk about my teammates… Fine, fine, you win this one, doc.

She's _so_ annoying! She acts like she loves me all the time… I mean, she's just another fangirl, right?

Proof? Well, she stalks me, asks me out on dates, and bitch slaps any other girl that gets near me. In fact, one time Naruto did his "Sexy Jutsu" near me and Sakura-

What? What do you mean you don't want to hear that story? Fine! Maybe I don't want to tell it to you anymore! Huh? I'm _not_ bratty! Shut up!

How do I know she's not telling the truth when she says she loves me? Well… um… I don't know.

Proof that she's telling the truth? Well… um… She _did_ save my life from this creepy psychotic freak named Gaara and almost died for me. And she _might_ have begged me not to betray the village and even said that if I _did_ go that she would betray the village and go with me just to be near me. Well, yeah, I've thought about it. But there's still so much I want to do in life before I settle down, like kill my brother, Itachi. What do you mean that's not a realistic goal? What do you mean Itachi is more powerful than I'll ever be? Who the hell _are_ you anyway?

Orochimaru? I knew that long, silky black hair and those pretty snake eyes looked familiar!

Oh, you were just kidding. No, for the last time, I'm _not_ gay. And what do you mean going on a date with Sakura isn't the same as settling down? Commitment problems? Of course I don't have commitment problems!

Nope.

I don't.

I'm perfectly fine.

Marriage does _not_ scare me.

Okay, maybe just a little.

Okay, it scares the bejeezus out of me.

Why are you looking so smug? You know, for a therapist trying to make me feel better you sure don't do a very good job. What do you mean you're not here to make me feel better? Solve my team dynamics problem? Oh, why didn't you say so? You did? Whoops.

Anyway, I think my little problem goes back to my brother. What? Of course every bad thing that happens in the world is my brother's fault! Why do I hate my brother so much? I'll tell you: he's evil! One time, I bought this ice-cream cone from the store just as it was about to close and my brother said he wanted one, but the store was already closed, see? So he takes _mine_! It was _my_ ice cream! And then I said I wanted it back, and what does he do? He _licks_ it! Of course I'm not going to want it back after that, it has his germs all over it! And it was _my_ frickin ice cream!

And then, this one time when I was four my mom was looking for some Oregano, and I was all like, "I saw some in Itachi's room!" Because I _did_ you see, and then she goes up to his room and starts screaming at him and then he gets mad at _me_! I was four, how was _I_ supposed to know it wasn't Oregano?

Oh, and he killed my entire family. That too.

What do you mean I'm sick for saying the first two and not just the last one? I'll kill you! Hey, where are you going? Bathroom again? Oh, okay, I'll wait.

…

…

…

Hmm… It appears he's not coming back. Oh well, I think I'll go have a smack down with Naruto and then go home to bed. No goddamnit! And for the last time, I am _not gay_!

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**A/N:** There's gonna be a Naruto and Sakura chapter too. I got the Oregano idea from "Twirlygigs and Gizzards" by Kalliope Starmist, by the way. So um… yeah… review if you want.


	2. Therapy: Naruto

**A/N: **Um… Here's the next chapter. The beginning of the first one and this one are very similar- sort of. But that's because Sasuke and Naruto's feelings for each other are kind of the same... Whatever, just read and find out what I'm talking about.

**Summary:** Team Seven, sick of each other's behavior; decide to see a councilor at the suggestion of Kakashi.

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**Therapy: Naruto**

(AKA: _Stupidius Teenagerene_)

Hi there! I'm Uzumaki Naruto, and I'm going to become Hokage one day!

What do you mean you don't care? Fine then! Who needs you? Oh, right, Kakashi-sensei says that he'll treat me to ramen if I make it through this session. Okay, so let's start with Sasuke.

He's _so_ emo! I mean, who does he think he is, walking around with that stupid duck-butt-hair of his, and those "oh-so-cool" onyx eyes that you can just get totally _lost_ in. No! I'm not gay! Anyway, he thinks he's _so_ much better than me, just because he has hordes of screaming fangirls after him! Well guess what, Sasuke? I have something _your_ brother wants! In your face, bizzatch! Gosh, what _is_ his problem anyway? Well, I guess it would be the fact that Itachi killed his clan. Hmm… But I guess he can be okay at times. Like him? Me? Well, he _is_ like a brother to me. But I really can't help it, you know? He just sticks with you- like parasites under your skin or something…

Morbid? Me? Blame it on the fox. What fox? Oh, I'm the container for the nine-tailed fox that destroyed our village and killed the fourth hokage. Hey, where are you going? Coffee? Oh, all right, I'll come with you. But like I was saying, he's so _emo_! I mean, he walks around with his high-collared black shirt and white pants, strutting around like he's just the best thing that ever happened to Konoha but secretly probably cuts himself! I wouldn't care if he did, you know? No I wouldn't! Nuh uh! Stop saying that! Fine, maybe I'd care just a _little_.

What do you mean what's my problem? _I'm_ emo? Well, I might have used to been… you know, everyone used to hate me. No one would talk to me, listen to me, touch me, hug me… Except this one time when I was five, I was sitting on this bench and I saw this pink-haired girl playing in the sandbox at the playground by herself, and I was all like, "OMG! She's lonely and depressed, now's my chance!" What do you mean I'm sick? No! I didn't mean it like _that_! I was five-frikken-years-old! Jeez. So I go up to her and she starts talking to me and then even gave me a hug!

Anyway, she turned out to be my teammate, but I don't think she remembers that day. So anyway, I saw her crying on the road again when she was like seven, and she was being picked on because of her forehead, so I gave her a red ribbon to show her I cared and that she's really pretty and-

What? What do you meant that wasn't me? Oh, yeah. Stupid Ino; that _totally_ should have been me. What do you mean I would have messed it up? No I wouldn't have!

Anyway, so besides that day, I was like all emo and stuff. The pain… it was so bad. Being alone all the time- you have no idea what it's like. The suffering of being an outcast, labeled evil just because of something you can't control…

You don't care? _I'm_ the emo one? Fine, who wants _your_ opinion? I do? Well, yeah, I guess.

Tell you more about my other teammate and not about duck-butt-haired Sasuke? I _know_ you didn't phrase it that way; you don't have to tell me! But you should have, you know.

Anyway, my second teammate is Sakura, God's gift to the Earth! The greatest person that ever was! Dating? Nah, she doesn't like me. In fact, all she does is hit me on the head. Don't call her that! She's _not_ evil! Getting in the way of Sasuke and I's love? Ew! I'm _not_ gay!

How does she make me feel, you ask? Oh, you didn't ask. I'll tell you anyway. When I'm around her, my stomach does flips and stuff, and my hands get sweaty, and I start blushing and I get nervous- kind of like that weird girl Hinata that follows me everywhere, though I'm not sure why.

She likes me and I'm an idiot? Yeah, right, since when does Hinata have any interest in _me_?

Ow! That hurt! Anyway, like I was saying, I blush and get nervous, and then I start saying things I don't mean. But still, when I'm around her I feel like I'm in heaven. Oh, and my pants seem to get tighter, I can't stop staring at her chest, and I want to squeeze her butt. What? What do you mean I'm sick? What are hormones? Reproduction? _THAT'S HOW BABIES ARE MADE?_ Ewwwww! That's _disgusting_! But kind of sexy. Maybe I should ask Sakura if she wants to have babies.

Hmm… I think you're right. Somehow, that would not evoke a very good reaction. Yes, I know the word evoke.

She should totally be mine, but she likes Sasuke. Not to mention I have competition with Fuzzy Brows, too. Not that she likes him very much. Unless she _does_ like him and isn't telling me. But she doesn't, right? What did she tell you? Do you know something I don't? Paranoid? I'm not paranoid. Well, I guess you're right. Maybe I _am_ a little paranoid when it comes to Sakura.

Yeah, I probably _should_ give her a bit of space and let her make her own choice. Well, I gotta go, my times up here. Thanks a lot mister, you've been a pretty good help. You're a good therapist, you know?

What? What do you mean you're not a therapist?

What do you mean this is the post office?

Mailman? Oh, whoops.

Hey! Wait! Does this mean I don't get my ramen?


	3. Therapy: Sakura

**A/N:** Hmm… here's the last one. And no, I'm not making fun of bipolar people. 

**Important! In the last paragraph, Sakura is talking to INNER Sakura, not the therapist. Just in case someone find's it confusing.**

**Summary:** Team Seven, sick of each other's behavior; decide to see a councilor at the suggestion of Kakashi.

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**Therapy: Sakura **

(AKA: _Preversius Schizophrenien_)

Hi there, I'm Haruno Sakura. Yeah, I'm Sasuke's friend, why do you ask? He said he'd do _what_ to you? Ew! That's disgusting. But kind of sexy. I'm not sick in the head! Okay, well, maybe just a little.

Naruto? Oh, he didn't show up because he got lost and ended up in the wrong building and talked to a mailman for like four hours. Hey, don't call him stupid! Okay, maybe he _is_ kind of dense. Okay, maybe I call him stupid too, but that doesn't mean you can, too!

It does? Oh.

What's that? Oh, right, I should talk about my teammates. Okay, I'll talk about Naruto first. In the beginning I didn't like him very much, but he kind of holds on to you and doesn't let go, you know? Kind of like a baby koala…

What do you mean you're glad I'm not like Sasuke? Whatever. Anyway, the first time I met Naruto was when I was five, actually. See, I was playing in the sandbox by myself because I was depressed and contemplating suicide-

That's not normal for a five-year-old? Especially since they were just picking on my forehead?

Overdramatic? Me? Nah.

Anyway, like I was saying, so he comes up to me and we start talking, and he's all nice and stuff. And then he comforts me and I give him a hug- but what does he do? He licks my frikkin cheek and then squeezes my butt! That bastard! I don't think he even remembers it, that jerk. Yes, he was five too. He's a pedophile and that's illegal? I know that, stupid, jeez.

Over time though, I got used to him, and now can even say he's one of my best friends. Even though he _does_ seem to flaunt the fact that he's the container for the nine-tailed fox in Sasuke's face.

Talk about Sasuke? Sure. He's kind of emo, really, but that's just part of his appeal. He's dark and mysterious, reclusive, handsome, and kind of asexual- everything a girl could want. What do you mean that's not what every girl wants? Oh, really? That's weird.

How does he make me feel? Well, he makes me feel kind of stupid, in a good way. Yeah, there _is_ a good way to feel stupid. He also makes me feel like I'm in heaven, my hands get sweaty, I blush and stutter- I kind of turn into Hinata, that girl that follows Naruto around and loves him and is _really_ obvious about it but Naruto still hasn't noticed. That idiot, I feel sorry for Hinata.

Anyway, so he makes me feel like, nervous and stuff but still I feel like… I don't know, like I couldn't live without him. Oh, also my underwear seems to get wet, and I want to glue my hips to his and squeeze his butt. What do you mean I'm a sick pervert? Well, with a teacher like Kakashi I guess it can't be helped. Hormones? Yeah, I sort of know what they are. Reproduction? Sex? _THAT'S HOW BABIES ARE MADE?_ That's _disgusting_! But kind of sexy. Maybe I should ask Sasuke if he wants to have little Uchiha kids running around everywhere.

That would only scare him and make him run away to Mexico where he'd find a hot Mexican girl to settle down with away from me and then they'd get married once he overcomes his fear of commitment and have little Uchiha kids? Jeez doctor, do you like, obsess about us in your spare time or something?

You do? That's gross. And somehow I think it'll take a very _long_ time for Sasuke to get over his problems- and not just his commitment ones. Yes, I know about his problems. Did he tell you the story about the ice cream and the Oregano? Yeah, he is kind of wrong in the head. Why do I still like him? I don't know, I just _do_.

What do you mean I have problems because I love him? I do not! Okay maybe I do. I'm not bipolar! And it's not that bad to have problems… Is it that bad? Am I gonna die? Oh my god, I'm too young to die! I think I'm gonna cry! I should commit suicide and join Sasuke in his emoness! NO, I'm _not_ depressed, but I think I can see what you meant about bipolar. No, no you _can't_ call me Emo Queen of the World. No, you also can't call me Little Miss Moody.

Voices? What brings that up? Yeah, Sometimes I _do_ hear voices in my head, but that's just the result of hiding my true personality and being picked on for eight years about my forehead and thinking about suicide at the age of five. The voices name? Oh, I don't know, I just call her Inner Sakura. Let her out? She'll kill you.

Why, you ask? She says you're a phony and you look like Orochimaru and you're trying to manipulate me into saying what you want. But you're not, right? Good.

She says I'm gullible. Hey, wait, I'm not gullible! Shut up! No, you shut up! Sasuke's brother is not hotter than he is! No, I will _not_ go rape Itachi and Sasuke and Naruto and Kakashi and- will you shut up? That's gross! But kind of sexy. Blood? No! I will not go and try to kill the Hokage and join Akatsuki! No, I will _not_ go punch Rock Lee and- wait, did you just tell me to go and rape Ino, too? That's sick! Not to mention, I'm not really equipped for that. Surgery? They can do that now! Ew! How disgusting and unnatural. But kind of sexy. Damnit, will you shut up already? Argh!

You know what, doctor? Forget Inner Sakura, I don't care what she says; I think my time is up anyway.

…

…

…

Doctor? Hello? Meh, oh well. Maybe I'll go find Ino…

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Well, that's it folks… I hope it wasn't too bad, I just figured I'd write a humor fic since I've done a lot of angst lately. Review if you can, I appreciate the comments.

(For anyone that doesn't know) **Bipolar Disorder:** A treatable illness marked by extreme changes in mood, thought, energy and behavior.

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